Candid Diary #1: The Beginning Of The End Of University

Is it fear? Is it worry? Or is it bliss? To be honest, I’m not sure which end of the spectrum I really stand on. The possibilities are really endless and maybe that’s somehow what’s most terrifying. It really seems like yesterday that I got on that easyJet flight from Milano Malpensa airport headed to England. It wasn’t my first time flying but it felt like it. I stared at the clouds in the sky from my window seat blasting tunes from my earpiece while my thoughts roamed around the endless possibilities and my legs trembled from the nerves.

In my head, I was already probably imagining the whole three years play out in some kind of American college inspired rom-com movie way. It felt like I was being given a clean slate, like I was starting all over. Turns out I really was. 

Now, I’m feeling those emotions again and it seems like no time actually past… but also like those days were ages ago.

In my imagination, I can vividly compare the person I was to who I am now, and while some parts of her are still very relatable, I’m well aware that I’d probably not see eye to eye with her on a lot of things now. That’s how it should be, I guess…

It’s quite thrilling, though. It’s a type of excitement I felt back then; I couldn’t wait to experience the unknown and the uncertain. Going to university felt like a huge deal, it was my first big step into adulthood and I remember feeling so eager, eager to be an adult.

Be careful what you wish for, they say, cause I for sure got mine. The three years passed like a dream and now, in less than 30 days I won’t be in those lecture theatres on my weekdays and in about four months I will be a ‘full-time’ adult.

No more 9 am lectures or 5 pm seminar classes, no more assessment deadlines and no more expensive lunches at the Student Union. At this point, I question every single little thing, every single decision I made that brought me to where I am now. I’m wondering about the what ifs and maybes although I know that won’t make any difference.

On the daily, people hit me up with all the big questions I’m currently hiding from. Family members, acquittances, even strangers, everyone wants to know where life is going to take me or rather, in what direction I plan to take mine. My answer is always the same: I smile, shrug on the inside and then come up with potential outcomes depending on who I’m talking to.

The truth? The answer is I have no clue and, in the end, it’s probably going to come down to the opportunities I pursue, but also battles between head and heart, between dreams and real-life expectations.

For the first time in my life everything just seems thrown to the wind, like there’s a huge question mark on my life and I’m not quite sure how to erase it. Hopefully it’s not written in permanent marker and at some point, I’ll look back and it will be like it was never there.

I don’t really like endings, but this one I actually love. Although it comes with a lot of dilemas in the aftermath, I honestly can’t emphasise enough how done with university I am. It’s just a few weeks to go and I find myself dragging my whole being to classes and cursing at my screen while pulling out a lot of hair in the middle of the night trying to meet deadlines on time. The end of the race usually requires the most resistance and while I’ll for sure stick it out till the end, it’s a chapter I’ll gladly close, gladly.

I know what you’re thinking, cause I’m thinking the same thing: you can’t have it both ways.

I can’t say I’m glad to be finishing and at the same time say I’m not ready for the next part. I can’t be that entitled. That’s exactly how I feel and while I know it won’t last long, it’s how I feel right now.

There it is; a somewhat similar painting of how I feel inside. Now I’ll just take it all in, the good, the bad and the unknown.

So here I go, taking pictures in my head of the lecture theatre rooms and hallways, appreciating the little things like the architectural choices of the buildings I spent the last three years roaming around. Now I can look back and smile at all the many times I made a fool out of myself in front of everyone and all the pre-exam jitters. The disappointments and the surprises as well as the unexpected encounters and sudden goodbyes.

All of these I’ll be taking with me to whatever the next chapter will be and hoping for a happy ending.

Your restless romantic roamer