I don’t want to jump the gun here or speak a little too soon as I’m scared of getting burned again, but I’ve been feeling a little better lately. Maybe, I’m starting to get used to the slow rhythm of life in quarantine or maybe my mood has just allowed me to feel less caged by my feelings.
Somehow, I feel like I’m breathing a little less heavily since it all began, and I really want to take that as a good sign. My honest feelings in lockdown have been all over the place and restless and although I always tried to add on some positive notes at the end of each post, my heart wasn’t always prone to seeing the bright side.
Right now, I’m feeling a lot more ‘glass half full’ than before and the sky looks blue again. I’m not sure what triggered this rush of hope and the scariest truth I have to acknowledge is that I’m not sure how long it will last. It might stay with me like a shadow, but I know everything could go dark again, and in pure darkness, shadows are harder to find.
I’m no longer feeling the dread of an early morning sunrise, the panic of the unknown or the weight of the world on my shoulder and it’s a state of mind I’m in love with. But the fragility of love is worrisome. Sometimes love can come as steady as it could ever find you, but at times it can come over you like a hit and run; at high speed – painfully.
Last week, I smiled a lot and I was more productive than I have been in a while and none of it seemed extremely forced. I kept up with friends through WhatsApp video calls and back and forth voice notes filled with sarcastic inside jokes and tales of bad decisions. I also hosted Netflix Parties without fail, as some of you might have noticed on my Instagram stories, those have been the highlight of my nights.
I was able to take a trip to Asda fully geared up in my protective accessories and although I witnessed the longest line I have since the pandemic hit, I embraced patience even though it’s rarely ever my instinctive reaction in situations of sorts.
I managed to plan out my days last week and make daily to-do lists to help me get productive even though it’s not usually my thing at all, but I’m finding it’s helping keep busy and my brain occupied. I’m not going to sit here and say that I’m ticking off tasks breezily on the daily. Not quite. There are days I achieve more things than others and vice versa. Some days, I do what my heart can take and then I move on to do trivial things like watch k-dramas and scroll endlessly through the gram.
I said once that I felt afraid of regretting wasting away my time when this is all over, but I think I’ve found a happy medium; doing what I can and then letting go of the pressure.
I’m unsure how long this will last, and I’m uncertainly how I’ll handle what comes next, but I want to indulge myself in these feelings. All I want is to look in the mirror and smile at the person I’m becoming despite all the confusion and uncertainty and still feel peace while it lasts. I want to dance in my bedroom to old tracks that raised me in simpler times than these and not be consumed by the silent noise the empty streets make.
Right now, for me, it’s about free falling into this state of fragile ecstasy. My bubble could burst at any time, but until then I’ll soak in this luxurious state of mind – gladly.
Your restless romantic roamer