It genuinely feels like forever since I’ve sat down to report my happenings to you lovely ones, and indeed it has been a long time in blogging terms. Truth is, I have danced around the constant itch to type my feeling and endeavours away to keep you updated on everything over the past few weeks, but for more reasons than one, I decided that, perhaps, silence wasn’t so bad sometimes.
I struggle with silence. It’s uncomfortable, creepy and awfully loud. In other words, staying silent is not something I look forward to nor am I good at it, so it was really odd to have such a platform quiet, static and void of all the emotions I was bottling up.
Just like most Januarys, the days were dreadfully slow and it felt like it was truly going to last about a whole ass year. As the month crawled slowly on both scrapped knees and the days found darkness quicker, it was as if every passing day was just one big long night. As the third lockdown in the UK was imposed on us early on in the year, I finally let go of the very slight and perhaps silly glimmer of hope I pocketed that the new year would bring ‘better’ things. When I mean I had the slightest glimmer of hope, I really do mean – slightest – I do not like to set myself up for failure like that.
With that in mind, I told myself it wasn’t such a bad start at all as not much took me by surprise. However, I’m not sure whether I was in fact taking on the new challenges the world sat well, or if I was just letting time pass by unchallenged as I became more and more exhausted of the adjustments this ‘new’ world has forced upon us. So, I went with the flow or wherever the flow would take me waiting for those gloomy days to get lost somewhere in the past.
January did leave eventually of course, as grand and imposing as it always is, it never lasts forever, but before it did leave it made sure to remind my body that it was around. I know, I know, it’s not the month in itself that brings on pain but it for sure felt like it. From shoulder pains (which meant I just couldn’t type up stuff), to ankle strains and more, it was the gift that just kept on giving – pain, to be exact.
Those cold days did bring one super really cool thing though. One evening I opened up my phone to find an email that meant February couldn’t come any quicker. That mail meant I had to sit on my hands and wait for January to lousily pass away before things could take on a new shape…
I know you want to know what I’m referring to, but being cryptic is kind of annoyingly fun so I will be that person that makes you wait a couple more days before I let you in on what I’ve been up to in the past few days. I’m sure some of you already know, and I’m sure the rest of you can read between the lines…
Lastly, one of the main reasons why I chose not to just power through and get on with the swing of things was a quite simple one actually, I just had nothing to say. As it turns out, it was a common theme amongst the bloggers I enjoy reading, it felt like there was nothing else to say. The new year started off feeling like a direct continuation to the last and not much felt ‘new’. You know that feeling of being glued to an overly dramatic yet buzz-worthy tv show, but season 2 comes around, nothing about it feels fresh or exciting anymore – well, that was exactly how I felt.
Every time I sat down to pen my words in my journal or open a blank document to form sentences on I’d trip on my words and make a mess on the page; it felt like a horrid déjà-vu. Was I frustrated? I had written extensively about such feelings last year. Was I trying to find contentment in the little things? I had already told you about that too. Had I been baking banana bread in the kitchen at midnight? Well, that was so ‘first lockdown‘, and I guess I too was bored of my own mundanity.
Life was static again, and I found no pleasure in sharing the complex nothingness I was still getting used to.
I’m back now, with an eagerness to share and lips void of promises. I don’t know how active I will be on here in the upcoming weeks or whether I will curl back up into the corners of my bedroom and not speak a word for a while. I guess, it will all depend on what life throws my way. Just know that of all the things I do, this platform is still my favourite even now.
I know this post was a bit of a change from the regular Sunday series ‘On Second Thought’, but I thought it was of utmost importance that I let you in on why I’ve been missing in action on here lately. Like I said, no promises on when that will be back either, but I’ll surely keep you updated on my socials as always.
So now that you all caught up with me (kind of lol), how have you been lately? xx
Your restless romantic roamer