So turns out I do this every few weeks: show up here ready to take on blogging on the regular again only to fall off the face of the earth for what feels like the tenth time this year. I promise, I have good intentions, but most times those are never enough to see you through to the finish line… it takes a lot more.
It’s been an internal battle, a war against myself and I. An inner conflict of not feeling good enough and wondering if any of what I do really does matters in the end. I’ve been reflecting then avoiding, then doing the same dance over and over again like it’s a sick beat I can’t help but move my hips to – a repeated cycle that can only be broken consciously.
My fingers have been itching to tell stories and draw pictures with words, but my thoughts have been tangled up together like jewellery in an old box hidden away where no light can reach. Untangling all those knows will take hours and patience I seemingly cannot afford at the moment. Just know that I am working towards that and I do intend to put an end to all the ghosting sooner than later – after all, this strangely familiar feeling I’m getting as I type this feels admittedly nice.
While I have you here, I think it would be wonderful to get you caught up on what I’ve been up to lately, and how I’ve been adjusting to springtime.
As some of you will know, yesterday I celebrated my 24th birthday! It was my second time celebrating a birthday in lockdown during a global pandemic, but the difference this time was spending my birthday at home felt a lot more natural and less of a shock to the system. I’ve always been big on birthdays; I loved the anticipation and planning that went into making the special day memorable, whether it was mine or someone else’s. A chance to celebrate? I’ll take it!
Since it wasn’t my first rodeo at a ‘lockdown’ birthday, I took it in stride and just decided to own it for what it would be. Manchester’s weather was all over the place as per usual; a little bit of sunshine and some moments of rainy looking snow coming down from the sky, but then again what else could we expect in April! Aside from the crazy obnoxious weather, I spent most of my day watching tv downstairs, answering calls and texts from family and friends, and eating loads… I mean loads! All in all, it was a good day. Thank you all so much for your well wishes and kind words, they really did make my day extra special.
Ironically, lockdown eases today which means the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. It’s a bit strange that we as a country are at this place now. It only took three lockdowns, a giant toll on our mental health, pure distress and panic, and circumstances that were less than ideal being forced down our throat, so while I am glad to be where we are, a part of me is also uneasy and cautious of where I put my expectations.
I know a lot of people have been asking the big question, what will you do once lockdown eases? And as it seems a lot of people have it figured out by now with new hope and big plans ready to be rolled out.
For me, I haven’t made any huge plans as of yet. I’ll keep working from home, which is something I am happy I can continue to do at the moment. After over a year of little to no exercise, I will admit the idea of returning to the gym does excite me a lot. I am rather eager to play catch up with treadmills and sweat off a chunk of my bottled-up anxieties. It would be a real treat to have a meal out and pick non-essentials at a physical shop, but all that in due time.
Getting back out there is going to take some strength from me as I feel, like many others, I’ve been in a lethargic state for too many months now. The thought of being back out there is somehow anxiety-inducing, but so is the thought of staying indoors for more months to come. A part of me is afraid that getting back out there will be terribly overwhelming; like a phone being taken off airplane mode after endless hours – what was once calm and peaceful, now ceaselessly disturbed. But I’m a giant ball of contradictions who would give anything to fly away on a plane to somewhere sunny and touristy – somewhere full of life and ceaseless buzzing. Maybe deep down I don’t know what I want, maybe I want it all.
My week ahead is full of 8 to 4s that have me dreaming of the weekend already (I know it’s Monday, I know -_-), but even this week too, I’ll be taking as it comes. I won’t make empty promises on getting back to blogging more regularly as I need to sort myself out first, but I will be back and that’s a sure thing!
Thank you for your patience and have a lovely week ahead my loves. xx
Your restless romantic roamer