5 Relationship Lessons I Learned The Hard Way
Relationships. Relationships. Relationships. Is it just me or do they get harder as we get older?
More and more, what used to start in playgrounds or passing notes forward between desks often now begins on apps ruled by the gods of an algorithm. That in itself makes me crave simpler days…
Honestly, I find it’s no coincidence that relationships become more challenging with age. After all, as we mature so do our needs, responsibilities and problems. Our desire for real connection and intimacy takes a new shape – they become more specific and raw.
Most of us stop going with the flow of the wind and start to set deeper priorities and boundaries. We hope to find people who won’t just barely exist in our lives but will fill it up with laughter, purpose and memories worth holding on to.
As I watch my relationships change and develop with time, I’ve been thinking about the most valuable relationship lessons I learned the hard way. Not the ones I read about in a glossy magazine or advice column, but the ones I had to learn first-hand to understand.
Some of these took too long to process, while others took longer to accept, but these are the relationship lessons I learned the hard way. So far, at least…
I’ve learned that sometimes, you have to find the closure you need within yourself.
1. Believe Them The First Time.
There’s a reason why the wise say “When people show you who they are…”.
I used to nod along to this piece of advice in agreement, but it’s only when a relationship is tested that you truly get to know those around you and yourself.
It’s one thing to be duped by a person or be conned into believing a lie. Sometimes people master the art of deception so well, that before your perception catches up it might be a little too late. However, learning to take people by their word and, more importantly, by their actions is one of the greatest relationship lessons one can learn early.
Most times, the red flags show up in the beginning. Most times, they tell you their intentions from the very start. And most times, their actions speak louder than words ever could. Coming to terms with these hard truths is essential to navigating any type of relationship. It will allow you to be clearer about your intentions, set boundaries early, and know when to cut toxic people off. So yeah, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
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2. You May Never Get Closure.
As someone who always needs to satisfy my curious need for answers, closure is always something I find myself searching for. I can be impatient and often need all the puzzles completed before taking the next steps. Because of this, one of the hardest relationship lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way is that sometimes you may never get closure.
‘Why did they ghost me?’. ‘Why did they give less than 20% all the time?’. ‘Was there anything I could have done to change the way the story unfolded?’. ‘Why did they switch up on me randomly?’.
The truth is it would be nice if every relationship ended with a typical ‘7 reasons why’ breakdown list. Yes, it’s polite to explain to someone why you’re walking out of their life abruptly. It’s even better, to not pull the rug from under their feet. However, not everyone gets the luxury of a chapter well closed. Not everyone leaves with an explanation. Do they truly owe you one, or is it just a common courtesy?
I’ve learned that sometimes, you have to find the closure you need within yourself. At times, the only thing you can truly do is work on making yourself better than you were yesterday. Some questions do not have a ‘right’ answer and some answers may never make sense to you. You may never get closure, and maybe that’s okay too.
3. You Can’t Change Anyone.
No, you can’t ‘fix them. No, it’s not worth it.
Yes, people can change, but I don’t believe in taking up people as projects. Whilst you can inspire someone to put their best foot forward in a relationship, I don’t think one person can truly change another.
The desire to change and become better has to come from within and only one with the inner will to do so can, in fact, change.
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4. Say What You Mean – Mean What You Say.
We’ve all heard it before – the greatest pillar of any fulfilling relationship is communication; as they say, it takes two to tango. One way to ensure that you’re contributing to a relationship in a healthy way is to always say what you mean. To be able to do this, you must first work on being honest with yourself. In the end, you have to face yourself, before you can be truthful with everyone else.
This means knowing what you like and what you don’t. it means being clear about expectations and being open to confrontation.
As much as we’d all love for our loved ones to know exactly what we want and need at all times, that’s impossible. No one can read minds – not yet at least. Hence, you must say what you mean and ensure you mean what you say.
5. There’s Always A Cost.
When you’re at a crossroads in life it’s always important to remember that there is a cost to every decision. Likewise, when choosing whether to hold onto a person or let them go, there is also a price to pay.
In most cases, the decision will not be so clear-cut. You will linger, wonder, and hope. Sometimes, a pros and cons list will not help make the choice any easier. Sometimes, holding on might seem like the only option. Other times, letting go might seem like the most impossible choice.
Remember, however, there is a cost to every decision even the ones not made. Only by making them can we truly know if they were right in the end.
Keeping someone close might bring you temporary comfort but cost you genuine happiness. Letting someone go could cause you so much pain but set you on a path of self-discovery. Either way, there is a cost to every decision we make in relationships. The question you should ask yourself is, is it worth it?
Your restless romantic roamer
What are some relationship lessons you learned the hard way? Share them below!