I came to this realisation a couple of days ago; it’s been a while since I’ve stared at myself in the mirror. I’m not talking about the odd quick glance as I’m putting toothpaste on a well-rinsed toothbrush or the 3 seconds fresh out the shower when I abuse my face with moisturiser (I mean it’s never enough, but then it’s always too much!).
When I sit at my desk to write or reply to the emails I’ve ignored for long enough, I may take another glance at my reflection on the wardrobe mirror; a quick one, meaningless and unintentional.
Maybe, it’s because I’ve spent most of the year indoors and have been recycling the same 5 loungewear outfits since March, but the mirror became just another tool I don’t have a need for as much.
It’s had its perks though, not being totally invested in the way I look. This year, I got to think about my body a lot less. I had fewer chances and opportunities to judge myself solely based on appearance because for the first time in a long time it was evidently clear that there were bigger things in life, bigger things occupying my mind. I didn’t wonder if I looked good in that dress or if a shirt made my belly look fat. I wasn’t applying full-face makeup on a daily basis, and as much as I love the satisfaction of a completed look, it was refreshing to let my skin breathe in the past months.
It’s no news that I’ve been finding these months to be a bit of ride, in fact on Thursday I published a very impromptu catch up post where I finally got real about the different ways I’ve been feeling lately. I took a bit of time from a cloudy afternoon and wrote the words I had piled up in my mind exactly as they came. Of course, my journal saw the most naked parts of my emotions, and it felt like I had finally begun processing, but nonetheless, it was comforting to share on here as always.
I’m always like that you see, I never just burst out in anger or express my frustrations instantly and openly. I don’t like unnecessary conflict and I definitely don’t care much for drama. As a result of the lack of expression, the only thing I get is pent up emotions that grow and grow until they burst out into an uncontrollable state of mind. For someone that’s particularly impatient in every other area of her life, this kind of patience does more harm than good. If I look at it another way, I don’t think I’d even call it patience, but rather endurance, and some things are meant to be handled not endured.
One thing I’m learning is that in the end, you have to face yourself. No matter how much I push down my feelings and pretend they’re not there, a time will come where they won’t be possible to ignore any longer. I find that whenever I run away from things, I’m never really running in a straight line, but in a big round circle going nowhere. It’s a kind of coping mechanism that allows me to deal with problems just a little later… yet running in circles can be tiring too.
At some point, we all have to steady ourselves once again, look in the mirror, and face the person we’ve become. When you take a seat and look straight into the mirror, not a quick glance, but a fixed long stare, you get to witness all the things that have changed about you and all the things that have stayed the exact same. You get to see your face matured, a little more grown, a little more experienced.
The eyes are the windows to the soul they say, and I think it’s very important that we learn to look into our own every now and again. It might leave us bare and exposed to ourselves, but if there’s anyone we need to come clean to it, well, it is our very selves. Open up to you today – face yourself.
Your restless romantic roamer
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