I’ve been craving the old a lot lately. The old glory days, old friends, old familiar places and old worn-out houses, old feelings, naïve ambition and expectations.
Today, I moved away from my usual writing spot in my bedroom and opted for the living room instead. The sky is still grey even from down here, but the end of October is fast approaching and something tells me grey skies are the least I should expect from now on until winter finds us and leaves us.
The winter cold days will be here soon, or maybe they already are in my mind, and this winter is already looking like it’s going to be a long one, and a lot has been happening, in my mind at least. So many thoughts have been roaming around my mind over the past few weeks; you might have even been able to tell by the scarcity of my blog post rollouts and my pop-in-pop-out attitude towards social media.
Usually, when I write a catch-up post, I let you into everything I’ve been bothered with and burdened by, but this will be a little different as I’m not even sure how to explain my own feelings in complete sentences.
I just pulled my journal out of my bedside table yesterday after a very long few months. the dust had just begun to appear, but I wiped it off and finally started to process my pent up feelings. It’s been a whole range of issues that have been plaguing my serenity. The Fatigue walked right back in uninvited again as inspiration escaped me right about the same time. I’ve been questioning every single thing I’ve ever done, wondering if I’ll ever feel at home in myself again.
Manchester is headed into Tier 3 tomorrow, and it feels like the last nine months have been all about taking two steps forward about a thousand more back.
Positivity? It rises and falls, and then rises again. My state of mind has been the most unreliable things about me lately, a new personality trait I’m not very fond of.
Yesterday, I read a blog post by Michelle Chai aka Daisybutter on the internet where she put forward the question ‘How are you?’ Her post focused on some very interesting points, and frankly, it pushed me to write down a few words of my own in answer to that very common yet often overlooked question.
Her honest words resonated so much with me:
“The simple act of asking someone ‘how are you?’ has lost tack, I think. It’s almost become a greeting. As though by reflex, you respond with ‘I’m fine’. We no longer share the intricacies of what we feel, and that could be the cog we’re all missing. Even as I sit and shakily tap out a short Instagram caption, I think of all the things I could really say, the things I take time to share on here. I’m a little bit ropey but I’m not sure why, I think it’s because I haven’t hugged anyone in a long time but that sounds stupid. I sat and stared at my wall for, gosh, three hours earlier, and then finally smiled at the way the light bounces off my Golden Egg money box. Wouldn’t the world be a thousand times lovelier if we could all say what we mean to say?”
So, I’ll answer the question to the best of my abilities by meaning what I say. How am I? I’m surviving with all my might, like many of us are this year. I’m reminding myself to breathe, not just because I have to, but because I want to. I’m looking for bright sides and silver linings with minimum to no expectations, but nevertheless, I’m still looking. I’m fine, but then I’m not. Then I’m fine again, and then I’m not.
I’m craving the old, but adapting to the new.
Have I been better? Heck yeah. But I’m sure I’ll make it through this and I’m going to accept that as enough for now.
No matter how you’ve been feeling, I don’t think I’m in a place to be able to change your state of mind, but keep in mind that every emotion that creeps on you is valid. Feel free to share with me what’s been on your mind because talking it through take half of the weight away.
And you, how are you?
Your restless romantic roamer