ON SECOND THOUGHT – Through The Motions…

It’s insane to think that we are almost at the 9th month of this crazy year! September has always symbolised something new to me, perhaps because it was always associated with a new school term which often meant a chance to start afresh; new friends, new clothes and bags as well as shiny unopened stationery – I loved some good stationery, I still do.

As the new month comes around and the days start to get darker quicker, I’m not really sure if I’m ready for what’s to come. Part of me feels like we’ve already had so many unusual things happen this year, I’m not sure what I can handle anymore.
I wake up afraid to turn on the news in the morning because I’m terrified to hear what else went wrong while I was sleeping.
Perhaps, it’s my fault for not being able to switch off and log out when I need to, but damn it seems like we can’t catch a break.

Another week, another black man shot by police. Another week, an iconic hero lost. Another week, more confusion on COVID restrictions.

In times like this, we often look for Hope to catch us, wipe our tears and tell us everything will be okay. I gravitate towards Hope whenever the worst stops by, but what do I do when I just don’t feel it at all? What do I do when my default response to tragedy isn’t Hope?

Maybe the only thing I can do is let myself feel it. Maybe I’ll come out the other side only when I’ve gone through the motions and felt every little piece of my heart bend. I feel like sometimes we are allowed to sit with our feelings for a little while without rushing to fix or change them. We can allow ourselves the space to process what we’ve been through without instantly looking for the hidden lesson behind our misfortunes.

Nine months in; it would feel really weird sugar-coating my emotions at this stage, after everything… Today, I don’t seem to have an answer for you or words perfectly wrapped up nicely to send you off right this week. I’m currently exhausted from my own emotions – you might be thinking; ‘again?’ – but this where I’m at, I’ll let you know when I start to see the light at the end.

I hope you have a great week ahead. xx

Your restless romantic roamer

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