Hello, my friends – we did it again!
You didn’t think I’d miss this milestone, did you? Well, I guess with the way things have been this year perhaps you did…
It’s been a quiet year around here as would be apparent to many who passed by even for a short moment. I’ve popped in enough times for you to know that I’m still living and breathing, but not quite enough for you to expect my entrance on a scheduled basis. If you’re the type to get close to or peep at your next-door neighbours, this year I was that one that raised your eyebrows whenever you caught a glimpse of my shadow in the driveway because even that sighting would be ever so rare. You’d watch all the lights come on, one by one as I make my way up the stairs and get lost in the wandering thoughts of what – just what – goes on in that house. That would be the biggest question on your mind, one that keeps pulling your feet back to the corner of that window, to stare, to watch and investigate. The possibility of what lies behind those walls would intrigue you and tickle your fancy in ways you couldn’t comprehend fully, but your curiosity would win each and every time leading you back to the window day after day. The rare sightings and sounds coming from the house would only make you wonder more and raises your interest.
What really is happening behind those walls? What truly goes on in that house?
And then there’s me. I’ve lived in that house for as long as I could possibly remember, moving around in it, changing with it. The lights come on one by one as I go up the stairs, but unlike before now, they flicker in a repeated sequence. I then wonder thoughtlessly whether perhaps they too are as tired as I am.
This house has changed so much since I was last fully present in it. Its scent is forever familiar and looks the same on the outside to the curious passer-by, but in here things morph and transform in no time catching me off guard. It’s almost like it’s haunted here. Things I kept locked in boxes appear on top of the kitchen table and the few I knew where to find with my eyes closed disappear to never be retraced. This house is mine, it belonged to me since birth, but lately, I too, just like the not-so-tactful neighbour who stares at my window regularly, I too have begun to ask the same question: what, just what goes on in this house.
Living in an unfamiliar space can be rather unsettling, but what do you do when the haunted house is one you cannot escape from – your body, mind and soul.
When the one place that should feel peaceful, personal and intimate, feels like it’s been set on fire, there are three ways you can approach the emergency at hand.
First, you may choose to throw your hands up, let everything go and surrender to the fiery flames – ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Alternatively, you may prefer to run. The best option may be to bolt as fast as you can, desperation in eyes and the eagerness to survive of a cornered animal. Lastly, you may opt to put the fire out, quench it with something stronger, salvage what is left and repair the damages done.
I went through all those possibilities in my mind as the fire grew. For a moment, I thought it would be easier to let it consume me. In a more rational state, it felt only natural to run away and never look back. I’ve never been that good at moving on though and I know to be an excellent runner you must not get caught up on what you left behind or you could trip easy. Therefore, I choose the last and what felt like the only option. I decided to put out the fires in my home, one by one, no matter how long it took.
That process took a lot of self-reflection; looking at and examining things as they are, and while the ‘blogger’ in me tried her very best to show up to share it all, as an individual I guess I wasn’t ready to. How do you explain emotions you yourself do not understand on a basic level?
It’s been three years since I first made my first post on this blog, and I thought after my ghost-like online presence this year, it would have been weird for me to come in with the usual celebratory tone I usually carry around this time of the year. Ignoring the elephant in the room has never really been my style as many of you know.
I know I say this every year but this blog and the community we are creating here is still one of the few things that give me immense satisfaction and a great sense of accomplishment so it’s not one I’ll be letting go of any time soon. As always, to all of you who still stick around eager to read what I cook up every now and then, Thank You for existing.
The lights in here may be unstable and may flicker a little but I’ve been practising with my tools and perhaps, it’s time I take the faulty bulbs out and screw on brighter and vivid ones. I’m yet to fix it all up after the fire: the walls are still stained with black ink in some corner and smoke is still living in the air but I’m certain it is time I draw the blinds up and invite you into my home again. Will you stare from the windows or walk right in…?
Your restless romantic roamer