I’ve written these words over and over again and drafted different versions of it for days now. What do I want to say? How do I want to say it? Can I say it without being a downer in this already difficult situation? Do people want honesty or do they want an escape? Maybe, both?
I’ve already written about my first feelings at the start of the whole ordeal when it was advised that we remain indoors for the benefit of every person. Then I wrote about my anxiety during this time and shared how I was spending my time. That was over four weeks ago and needless to say, I thought things would be different by now, or better, I would be less all over the place.
At this point, I’m certain I’ve taken a ride on every single emotional rollercoaster and I’ve gotten off each one feeling dizzy, disoriented and more confused than the one before. I feel like there are not enough words in my vocabulary to describe how I feel on a daily basis and every time the sun rises, I open my eyes to a different emotion.
I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered the art of staying at home in our new conditions and I honestly don’t think I will anytime soon. How do you get used to a reality so dystopian living through it feels like a really long nightmare that seems to be never-ending?
I did all the baking and cooking and writing and reading, but for me, the uncertainty of it all is what has been kicking me in the butt the whole time. I know I have a problem with the idea of not knowing and I’ve written about a thousand blog posts on the subject, but it doesn’t seem to get any better as time goes by.
I don’t like not knowing. I don’t like being in the dark. I hate the feeling of things slipping through my fingers like sand into water… and this situation feels just like that.
I’ve read people say it’s okay not to get up to anything productive during this time; they say we are having to survive a pandemic, not just live through it. I’ve also heard people say this is the time to plan out the rest of our lives; a time we can’t get back we should make good use of.
I’ve never been one to plan my life out like it was some sort of high society conference and I don’t think that will ever be me, but at the same time, although I know some people feel differently about this, I think I might regret letting these days pass by without being able to move forward or achieve anything concrete. Maybe it’s the pressure I put on myself, maybe it’s other people’s expectations I constantly try to exceed, but I can’t seem to shake any of the many feelings.
Then, there’s the rising numbers, the deaths, the pain and heartbreak I know so many are feeling at the moment. It’s the darkest part of these times and it lurks in the back of my mind every single day. Every time I think about those who have lost more than I could ever imagine, I can’t help but think that my emotions are highly trivial in comparison and I begin to question whether they are even valid in the first place. ‘I should be grateful, I should be happy’ I tell myself and of course, I am grateful in many ways. I am aware that I’m privileged enough to have time to go on and on about my feelings and emotions, and I certainly haven’t forgotten that that too is a ‘luxury’ many can’t afford right now.
My life doesn’t look like it does on Instagram right now and I’m learning to accept that’s absolutely normal and acceptable. I’m not always ticking off boxes, baking banana bread and dancing to Dua Lipa in front of my camera. Sometimes, I’m staring at walls for hours on end letting time pass by without too much thought. At times, I read for hours on end and others I watch shows on Netflix till the sun is out of sight and the moon judges me from my window. I have moments when I give into my desire to learn and take lessons on Skillshare whilst there are days I honestly just can’t be bothered with.
I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure why I’m even writing these words again or whether I should even be writing it. I’m the type of person who strives to bring positivity to the sometimes highly toxic online world, but in this period I guess these are the words I want to say and I hope that’s okay with you. Perhaps, you might be reading this and maybe it might help you feel a little less alone about the fact that you haven’t yet cracked the code. I haven’t cracked the code either and I’m hopeful I will before this is all over – but it will be over, and that’s something to look forward to. If you’re in desperate need for some reasons to smile, here are six little things that are making me happy at the moment, I hope they bring you some type of solace.
I’ll end this rant by reminding you to check in with those you love when you can. Check in with those you know that are working so hard to keep us alive and well and keep doing what you can to stop the spread. Truth is we are all we got even from a distance.
Thank you to all the NHS staff and essential workers keeping us going.
You are the real heroes.
Your restless romantic roamer